Cupertino, California

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Suffering from 'Vallco Traumatic Stress Disorder?'

January 14, 2017

 

 A substantial portion of Cupertino now suffers from a post-election flare-up of the syndrome clinically known as Vallco Traumatic Stress Disorder (VTSD). By far the most common symptom of VTSD is the uncontrollable urge to write opinion letters, or post on Nextdoor and other social media about the election and Vallco specifically. Many patients also present the symptom of an overwhelming desire to make a single-occupancy drive to Valley Fair, Stanford Shopping Center or the Great Mall regardless of traffic.

 

Since its first tentative diagnosis following the closure of the Emporium and Bullock's, practitioners have known that VTSD would afflict an increasing number of victims as time went on and the Vallco Mall continued its decline. Several specialists have attempted to save Vallco in an effort to prevent further contagion and alleviate major symptoms, to no avail.

 

In 2016 several clusters of VTSD became outbreaks. To forestall an epidemic, local healers came up with two different inoculations known as Med-C, a home remedy with questionable efficacy, and Med-D, a large-scale corporate vaccine. Neither medicine succeeded, and many refused both, worried about their side effects. Post-election, pundit therapy seems to have only sped the VTSD outbreak into a full-blown epidemic.

 

Rumors abound that new remedies, including a Med-C version 2.0, are now being considered. While respective fabricators of each medicament under development believe theirs to be the cure, vast swaths of Cupertino now look to the CCC (City Council of Cupertino) to take charge of the situation and deploy the potent antidote named RGG (Responsible Good Governance) through a maneuver called CAC (Citizens' Advisory Committee).

 

In the meantime, VTSD continues to anguish many in our community. This researcher believes that the best prescription is a substantial dose of negotiation and compromise with less MMQB (Monday Morning Quarterbacking).

 

Gary Jones, 41 year resident

 

Cupertino Publisher Editor

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